I have about a million things to do today. So, naturally, I'm starting off with the worst hangover I've had in awhile. It's odd....this normally isn't the case after a few (three) rum and (diet) cokes, but my head hurts like a mother fucker. I think it's because I really haven't done any drinking in awhile. PLUS, Dave the bartender at the El Dorado was, for some reason, making them stronger than usual. My friend Sarah (wife of the KJ, you know her if you saw the karaokumentary) mentioned it too. We were both pretty darn happy last night. So three of those and I feel less than stellar this morning.

But whatever, we press on. Wanna see the list of things I HAVE to get done today? Check it:

( cut because I like you )

Yeah, all of that today. And here I sit trying to get rid of a headache. Also, I wanted to go over to labingi's today to watch them film the scene using my second song for her Hour Before Morning movie. Dunno if that's going to happen, meh. :(

• 21:16 really loves the El Dorado. #
• 21:58 Sarah and i talking about old people having sex...this sh*t is priceless. #

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Honestly? I am most happy when I'm being/have been productive in some fashion.

What I don't understand is, if I KNOW this, why is it that being productive still comes in fits and spurts?

Okay, okay, I know what it is. I am a queen of procrastination. But I know my limits. I schedule myself almost down to the minute. You knew I was a Type A, right? Anyway, I know how much time I have to goof around before it's time to get down to bidness. And once I get down to bidness, I am ALL bidness. My powers of concentration are rather amazing in that regard, if I do say so myself. And, too, this is why I get REALLY MAD when I am interrupted during these times, for ANY REASON.

Whatever. I meant to say that today was totally made of win. My list of accomplishments include:

• creating a Powerpoint slide show for a 20-25 minute presentation on paganism/witchcraft for Monday's Folklore & Religion class. I slated the entire weekend for this, and I got it done in just a few hours.
  
• graded three student papers. Only three left!
  
• started research for my Folklore/Religion paper and for my vlog project for New Media/Digital Cultures class (the research is related, hence the two at once). For anyone who knows me, it takes me FOREVER to get started on research. But once I do get started, I'm something of a machine. In fact, I'm rather surprised I'm not still at it. Having the book at home helps, I guess.
  
  This is a pretty hefty amount of work, especially the Powerpoint, and I am satisfied with my progress. Tomorrow, I expect, will be equally productive...at least I mean for it to be.
  
  Yay for gettin' shit done!

Easy enough. MJ.

• 11:53 Hold on tight. The sky is breaking. #

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Hey, guess what? More credit card fraud, that's what!

As it turns out, the charges on our credit card had nothing to do with my signing up for anything. This makes me feel better, in a way, because I KNOW that I double/triple checked to make sure I didn't sign up for anything when I got my last credit reports from the bureaus. Now I know I wasn't fooling myself.

What the charges did involve was another stupid case of fraud. That's right, some asshole used our credit card number to sign up for creditreport.com. What weirds me out about this is that 1) doing this wouldn't benefit the person in the slightest, and 2) creditreport.com??? If someone is going to fraudulently use a credit card number, why sign up for a credit monitoring service?

Anyway, to business. I called creditreport.com and told that, no, no one in my family was named Alan (Allen?) Hayik (Hayek?), and no, no one has access to this account besides my husband and me. Therefore, it must be fraud. The company was totally cool about it, told me they'd refund all the charges and blacklist the number so that it doesn't get charged again.

Next steps will be to make sure that the refund happens, then call the credit card company and ask for a new number, and hopefully they can make it so NOBODY knows this gorram number. I'm so over this fraud shit. Only one of our four credit cards hasn't been hit by some kind of fraud in the last few months *knocks on wood*, and I haven't been any less careful than normal (all the years I've had credit cards). Perhaps they're just finding it easier to hack them, I don't know.

I really just want to get these stupid cards paid off and probably cancel some of them so we don't have to worry about it. But it's awfully difficult when, in one term, we've spent $1,100 dollars on car repairs alone. If shit like that continues to happen, we're going to be sooooo fucked.

I woke up at 5:30a to do something completely different. In the process of doing that, I opened up the last statement from one of our credit cards. What I saw made my jaw drop. Apparently, CreditReport.com charged us THREE TIMES for SOMETHING WE NEVER SIGNED UP FOR.

I went back through a couple older statements that I had never opened (I know, I'm kinda bad like that), and THERE WERE MORE CHARGES FROM CREDITREPORT.COM.

*pant pant*

Here's the deal. A few months ago I did a credit check on myself via the three bureaus, just to see about the status of my bankruptcy. I DID NOT USE CREDITREPORT.COM. All throughout the process at all three bureau websites (and I went to their actual websites), they kept asking me if I wanted to do creditreport.com. I SAID NO. I've been through this before, many years ago when creditreport.com first began (before the stupid commercials). I actually tried creditreport.com and found out then about their fraudulent billing practices. So I've avoided them like the plague ever since.

That's why I have NO IDEA HOW THIS HAPPENED. I guess maybe I neglected to uncheck a tiny box on some webpage or something. I looked, though, I did! They've been charging me for THREE MONTHS! No wonder our minimum payment has been going up!

Obviously I have to get on the phone with them today to stop this nonsense. I'm also going to BITCH LIKE I'VE NEVER BITCHED BEFORE to get refunds on the last two months THAT I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR.

I can't believe this passed by me for so long. I blame it on two things -- I'm busy, and I'm busy. But this shall be rectified. If CreditReport.com refuses to give me back my money from the last couple of months, then I'm going to call the credit card company and dispute the charges. This is MADNESS. I am ENRAGED.

• 08:17 I don't have to prove anything. People have to prove to ME that they realize how awesome I am. lol #

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Something karatestereo said yesterday as a comment got me thinking. What am I doing, exactly, in obsessing over the PhD? Why do I feel this need to prove myself to others, to attain the highest academic degree our society offers when I'm not even sure it's what I really want?

A long time ago, it used to be what I wanted. Over the years I've clung to that idea for reasons I can now only call obscure. I wanted it because it offers a visible proof of one's "smartness," at least in one very specialized area of learning. In order to be taken seriously in academia, one has to have a PhD or its equivalent. That was shown to me at Chapman, when they wouldn't let James P. Blaylock, one of the most published people on campus, teach creative writing workshops because he didn't have a PhD (the man has an MFA, supposedly a terminal degree, and about 16 books to his credit. When they finally did let him teach those workshops, it was only because the creative writing program had been practically shattered by retirements/deaths and needed teachers STAT).

This very visible proof of some sort of intelligence (however one wants to take that) meant that I would be done with people not taking me seriously for other reasons, mainly because I'm large. Oh, does that shock you? That this comes back to weight? For me, it does. Obesity is seriously one of the most stigmatizing conditions in American society, despite the fact that more Americans than ever are "large." And to be young and fat....well, that's trauma on a serious level. It's an issue that'll be with me all my life, no matter how much I weigh. In high school, when I was constantly bullied for what was on the outside, I felt I had to compensate by highlighting what was on the inside -- primarily, my intelligence. But that could only happen with visible proof: As, 4.0 GPA, Dean's List, High Honors, scholarships, higher degrees, etc. There is very little, otherwise, in our culture that shows our level of smarts. Some people invent things and start crazy successful businesses. Others go to school, and go to school, and go to school...to where school becomes a comfortable womb, where things make sense, where the system is known, can be manipulated to an extent, where the challenges are predictable.

This is me.

When I think about a PhD in English, in particular, I think about that ephemeral dream that I've carried around for so long...and then I think about the practicalities of the situation -- of reading a WHOLE lot of literature that just doesn't interest me; of taking yet another foreign language; of having to go through a torturous oral exam. The dissertation itself doesn't bother me, as I have no problem with research and writing. That stuff I love. But jumping through all of the hoops, as halokiss put it, that part does not appeal to me.

I'm not saying this is the end of my PhD dreams. What I am saying is that, the more I think about it, the more I wonder why I'm so bent on an English PhD, when perhaps I shouldn't be. I mean, I'm LOVING folklore. It makes more sense to me than most of what I've done in English. It's not enough though (and I wouldn't get a folklore PhD, either). Somewhere out there is a program, or maybe just a career, that allows me to study what interests me, which means I wouldn't be there to prove something. I would just be there because I love learning about the stuff.

Because karatestereo is right. I shouldn't have to be proving anything to anyone anymore. Not like this, anyway. (And don't you DARE give me any shit for this, Justin. lol)

Besides, when I'm done here, I'll have two master's degrees. That ain't so shabby.

• 11:27 was doing better. Then shit decided to hit the fan. FML. Tiffany needs one of those hard muscle hugs. #
• 18:16 what to eat? Holy cow its dark out here... #

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I don't mean for my journal to suddenly get all down again, seriously. I was trying so hard to be cool yesterday. I even stayed the full time at trivia, both because I missed it and because I felt like I needed to do something social so that I could get some equilibrium back. And I was all set on being cool today, too. I got shit done in the morning -- picked up some mail at the post office, got hunny registered for winter term, graded a few essays -- and was all set to be productive and stuff. Then life happened. Phone calls that basically told me we'll be bleeding money out our asses for another few months yet. Hunny's health in question. My confidence in my life path seriously checked. It was too much.

Today's the day when I wanted someone to come over and hug me into oblivion. You know, one of those all-enveloping type hugs that usually don't happen in real life, I guess. I wanted something to hold on to, or somewhere to escape. I wanted something I didn't want to have to ask for...I just wanted it to happen, magically I guess, that someone would be there who understood, who could just be there while I fell apart for awhile. I wanted someone who actually cared to just show up and be there.

I didn't get any of those things, except for about 45 minutes of WoW because I had to, because it was a helluva lot better being a lvl 16 Dwarf Priest in Exodar than it was being Tiffany. Oh yes, Tiffany fully understands why she's addicted to WoW. As the game that never ends, the possibilities for escape never really end, either. Sometimes Tiffany wants to hit things, so she plays her DK or her Pally. Sometimes she wants to run around with her kitty (because Tiffany doesn't get enough kitty love in real life), so she plays her hunter. And sometimes Tiffany aches for something a little more holy, perhaps, so the righteousness of the holy priest works well (or will, once he can ride a damn mount).

Sorry, WoW digression. I kinda want to be playing it right now. I was prepping for class tomorrow, and it hit me really hard that I DON'T want to be in class tomorrow, and I don't even want to be here right now. I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want to be here right now. At all. I want to be completely absorbed in something that interests me, something where I can go away from the world for awhile.

Maybe I want to write. Gorramit.

John has to go in for a CAT scan today. He's got a lump just in front of his right ear. He's gotten this thing before and usually it goes away. This time it hasn't, and he says it's started to affect his hearing a little bit. So, yeah. CAT scan.

All of this just makes me think we should've stayed in Cali. I didn't hate my job (though it wasn't going anywhere), and I could even have applied for one of Cerritos College's full-time teaching positions they had open at the time. Instead I'm here, by myself in this windy rainy puke green and gold town, and I don't know how we're going to survive next year and I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing academically or professionally.

Yeah, there goes that hard-won balance I had..............

To those who don't have to worry about registering for classes, I am jealous. Most of the time I don't have such worries, either. For most of my academic career I have been able to sign up for what I want/need fairly easily.

Not so this time around.

Yesterday sucked balls in that department. See, there are two classes being offered that should fit right in with my folklore crap. One is an anthropology class that has only five seats available for graduates. I KNEW it was going to be popular because most of my folklore peeps told me they were planning to sign up for it. I woke up yesterday morning just spitting nails at my 9:30am registration time (they do it by lottery here, instead of seniority like any NORMAL institution). By 8:30am the class was gone.

The other class is a 600-level English class. I did not know until I tried to register for it that I had to have "special permission" to register because I'm not an English major. How BALLS is that?? I mean, I still need English classes because English is one of my three areas of concentration, and nothing else would have fit my folklore degree as well. BALLS, I say. By the time I discovered this, there were only four spots left in the class. A couple of frantic emails later, and I was told I could register at 10:30am, after all of the English majors had had a chance to register. *fume* Luckily I managed to slip into that class.

As for the anthro, I managed to sign up for something else, though I have no idea how it will fit into my folklore stuff. But I needed to sign up for something. I then emailed the prof of the anthro class I really wanted, and he told me that if I came on the first day and if there were enough chairs, he could sign me up then. Woohoo?

In the meantime, if I keep my current schedule, I can still be in choir. If I wind up getting int the anthro class I wanted at first, I'll have to drop Repertoire Singers, but I found out last night that there might be another singing option for me for winter. Woohoo again?

Anyway, it was all pretty fucked up. I still don't understand why they don't go by seniority of some kind -- of credits as well as time at the school, or something. All of my other schools did it that way, and it seemed quite fair to me. This lottery thing is ridiculous.

• 10:26 @DerJakob: tru dat. #
• 11:48 can someone tell me why a student would feel compelled to wear six-inch heels around campus? #

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Yes, I'm applying for the English PhD. Again.

This time I have connections. This time I'm going to be more thorough in revealing to people just exactly what I've done that makes me worthy of being accepted for this program. This time...well, I'll do what it takes.

To that end....


TO DO:

• order my general GRE scores and have them sent to school.
  
• order transcripts *eyeroll* (gonna go ahead and start the process now, despite the fact that the Graduate School, at least, should still HAVE my transcripts)
  
• give packets to each of the teachers I'm asking for letters o' recommendation that include teaching evaluations, courses taken, papers written, statement of purpose
  
• revise statement of purpose
  
• start the online application
  

It's not that much, really, since it's just the one school. I hammered out a rough SoP yesterday, and that's often the hardest part. I am NOT taking the GRE again. I have a great analytical score, and my verbal score is...comparable. And the subject test in literature is optional (thank jeebus). As it is, I don't see how they could expect me to have a competitive score in that when I've been doing folklore, teaching, and creative writing for the past eight years.

God, when I put it like that....eight years......christ........

• 10:19 Nothing has really changed, but i feel better. maybe check the hormone thing for real? #
• 10:50 Took three large bags of clothes to Goodwill. It's such a small chore, really... #

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I woke up at 7:30am, and I spent an hour and a half cleaning out my closet. No lie. I didn't snooze, just jumped the fuck out of bed and started pulling shit out of my closet. Most of this was clothes. I've been meaning to go through my wardrobe for quite awhile. By the time I was done I had two huge piles: one of clothes that are too small but that I still like (so hopefully I might one day get back into them...hey, it's happened once before), and one of clothes that were too small and that I didn't like anymore. Those have seen been donated to Goodwill.

I can't believe how productive I was this morning. And while I zipped around town running errands, I found myself belting out music at the top of my lungs, practically. At one point, during one song on my mixed CD, I choked up even. Can't imagine why...it's a song I've heard ten billion times before. I think it had nothing to do with the song. It was a release, of sorts.

Everything today has been something of a release. I think I say this every month, but I do honestly feel that I have a serious hormonal imbalance. Based on the time of the month, I can pretty much tell when I'm gonna be cool and when I'm gonna be crazy. This past month was extra fucked up, though, because of stress and illness. The hormone weirdness hit me extra hard, and I probably said/did some things I may not be able to recover from. We'll see though. If my friends are truly my friends, they'll forgive me/let it go. They know I'm not THAT crazy/stupid/whatever, I hope. And it's not like I stuck a knife into anybody.

Some of this hormone stupidness has got me thinking, though. I remember that, before I met/started dating John, when it was just me for years and years, I did have cycles of odd behavior, typically with a moroseness/depression that was rarely vocalized. It makes me wonder now that I'm so much more vocal about these moods I get into. I know I'm a different person than I used to be, of sorts, but it's still weirding me out a bit. Maybe I know now what I was missing before. Back then, I didn't really have a clue.

On the other hand, I did have a feeling that I might act up at times this year. I even warned people about it, and I hoped they would forgive me then. This shit is hard, yo. Being alone after so much time NOT being alone. I seem to remember telling people that I might get clingy or needy or whatever. So far I think that particular aspect has only touched a couple of people, but I've still managed to keep much of it in my head. I FEEL even more needy than I might be coming off as, but I don't really have a perception as to how other people see me (naturally -- and I think Heather S. is going to perk up her ears at that one).

Anyway, such is the way. I hope I didn't lose any friends/acquaintances after this latest bout of stupidity. If I did, maybe that says something. What it says, I don't even know.

(Hey, see how I worked the title in at the very end? That's good shit, baby.)

• 20:25 gets the message. #
• 22:57 misses everyone. #

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• 21:25 Maybe it was a bad idea... #
• 22:07 Okay, back to the drawing board... #

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Figured it was time to force myself into some positive posting. I'm a big believer in PMA, after all, which is probably why I've been able to avoid seeing a therapist thus far. lol

1) I seem to be getting my upper voice register back, yay! At least this is true in the shower (because everything sounds better in the shower). Although I'm not sure the solos are still open in my choir, I'm hoping to try out next week for the alto one.

2) Much social fun stuff today, yay! I'm going to a movie with my buddy Mary (yes, we're going to see 2012). I feel obligated to see this flick, since it's right up there with stuff I'm researching in school. I'm hoping that the special effects on the big screen will make up for what I know is probably going to be a poorly written family storyline (they always are, in disaster porn) and horrible horrible dialogue. "Capitalist bullshit" aside, I just have a problem with mediocre movies. I LOVE bad movies, especially ones that know they're going to be bad and just run with it. But movies that bill themselves as blockbusters but only put in the minimum effort? Those movies bug me (though there are some exceptions).

Additionally, I've got more socializing tonight already planned, yay! So I'm getting OUT of the apartment on a Friday night, and it's NOT to karaoke. I think my KJ's starting to miss me, though. At least I hope he is. :)

3) As much as I don't like being on GT, at least now I can hope that my body is starting to sort itself out, yay! We are seriously out of whack, body and I, because of stress and illness and this weird depression crap I've been going through, but I think that the body, at least, is working through it. The mind.....well, we shall see.

4) I ordered an Xmas present the other day, my first of the season, yay! This makes me happy. The recipient of this present has NO idea what's coming, and this makes me even more happy. Best time to hand out prezzies to people? On my birthday, naturally.

4) My chest doesn't hurt as much when I go outside now. yay!

5) I've been watching movies that I haven't seen in forever, yay! The last two have been serious boohoo flicks (Meet Joe Black, Steel Magnolias), but I think it's something I've been craving. Better out than in, and best to cry alone. Plus, I get to unwrap more of my exceedingly large collection.

6) I've been quite productive on the school front, yay! I'm working on an annotated bibliography for my independent study with my mentor (and already about halfway done), all about hero narratives, female heroes, and the post-apocalypse. It's pretty AWESOME...I haven't been so excited to be doing research in awhile. I love how this program lets me figure out shit I WANT to do.

7) Today is Friday the 13th, yay! Friday the 13th has long been one of my best days, not vice versa. It's kinda like Mercury Retrograde, for me. Since I don't dwell on the bad ideas associated with it, it doesn't affect me. As a result, I usually have good luck, not bad. Or maybe it's just coincidence, I dunno.

PMA, seriously.

There are still a couple of negatives rolling around upstairs, but I'm totally not going to dwell on them today. Nope.

EDIT: LJ posts are editable, yay! I use entirely too many adjectives. LOL

EDIT EDIT: Re the movie: Staying with the whole PMA thing, I'm kinda looking at 2012 as a big-budget comedy right now. I mean, I'm hoping it won't be as bad as Dante's Peak, the movie I ONLY saw in the theater because a buddy of mine was an extra for it and we could see him on the screen. I actually laughed out loud in the theater on that one, when Grandma jumped out of the boat into the acid-filled river to save her family, then died horribly on the far bank. It was too funny.